Name: Tatum O’Neal

Birthday: November 5, 1963

Hometown: Los Angeles, California

We at CelebNotes learned recently that people were treating Tatum O’Neal’s confession to the New York Post as if it’s news. Except that it isn’t: it’s just a confusing series off strange explanations as to why she got in the mood to smoke some crack-rocks, which led to her arrest. The chief explanation she offers is that she was sad because her dog died, and so she made the drastic leap from being a normal, sober person, to somehow finding a crack dealer by happenstance, then immediately smoked so much of it that she looks like pale beef jerky.

Since we knew that nobody can go from zero to Whitney Houston that fast, we did a little research, and found that there are actually quite a few things that make Tatum want to smoke some crack. And because we love you, CelebNotes readers, we are publishing the seven items that top that list in this very article. Here goes nothin’!

Top Seven Things that make Tatum O’Neal Want Crack

1. She’s got this song in her head and can’t remember the title;
2. Lakers beat the Spurs, and she has a crush on Tim Duncan;
3. 3. 6:47 AM;
4. Seeing or hearing anything related to Michael Vick;
5. Being mistaken for Drew Barrymore’s mom;
6. Getting served caviar that isn’t Beluga (seriously lumpfish? wtf?);
7. Why the fuck not?