Name: Rosie O’Donnell

Birthday: October 10, 1969

Hometown: Gulfport, Mississippi

Daily Hike: Bed to Toilet = 30 feet.

Optimum Heartrate during Hike: 200 beats/minute.

• Sources say Rosie O’Donnell was shocked last month when, during a routine checkup, her doctor informed her that her blood type is Ragu.

• There is actually a legit Rosie O’Donnell sex tape in existence. The paparazzo in possession of the tape has been prohibited by California State law from distributing it, however, until he can provide the little pieces of cardboard with holes in them necessary for viewing both solar eclipses and Rosie’s naked body.

• Although Rosie O’Donnell officially identifies as a lesbian, nobody has ever actually seen her genitals and lived to tell the tale. According to University of Miami (Ohio) Professor Donald S. Champlain: “Her junk is totally like the ark when Indy opened it up and those arab dudes were all WTF:-O and turned into dusty skeletons!”

• If you’re wondering why Rosie O’Donnell has long been still considered rich despite only briefly being a part of only one successful project in her entire life during her late forties, it’s because she actually amassed her respectable personal fortune by renting out her back as a handball court at officially sanctioned tournaments. She’s earned over $37 million USD over the course of her lifetime from just the logos back there.

• The reason why the above item is a little known fact is because nobody has ever wanted to try looking at Rosie O’Donnel from behind.