Name: Miley Cyrus

Birthday: November 23, 1992

Hometown: Franklin, Tennessee

Religion: The worship of M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E!

Not-So-Secret Pubic Region: Back and shoulders. Who knew?

• Is secretly in love with Chris Brown. Shh! Don’t tell her dad!

• She Starbucks, but won’t drink any for fear of comparisons with Britney. You know, they make her look …whorish.

• Sometimes, she wishes she can fit in with the big girls, but who can really compete with the likes of Lindsay Lohan in the boys department, Paris Hiton with the STDs, Britney Spears with the babies, and Christina Aguilera with the baby AND the mammaries?

• She loves the lolcatz. BUT she cannot haz cheezburger.

• She has made a promise to God and Disney, that on her life and her father’s, she will never, ever, ever again wear a sheet, a halter top, nor a tank top EVER AGAIN.