Name: LeBron James

Birthday: December 30, 1984

Hometown: Akron, Ohio

Favorite Food: Dunkin’ Donuts.

Proudest Moment: The time LeBron dunked on Chuck Norris.

• Although he went to the NBA straight from high school, LeBron actually holds a Master’s Degree in General Education from Ohio State University, as well as a teaching license, valid in all 50 states (and Guam and Puerto Rico). As his thesis, he performed a 360 degree behind-the-back tomahawk slam dunk on the President of the school, the Deans representing all departments, as well as the head janitor. In doing so, he “took all of school to school.”

• LeBron’s athletic dominance was observed at the young age of nine, when he was spotted by junior high school basketball scouts, leaping over a row of 19 cars, while wrestling an alligator.

• When asked why he wasn’t wrestling a crocodile instead, LeBron replied: “Fuck Crocs;” which cost him in the future, as he was disqualified from a 204 Million Dollar endorsement deal for the now-popular (and now horrible) Croc footwear.

• Upon learning that his comment as a nine year old cost him such a lucrative endorsement, James calmly got up, walked out of his home office, and drove over to the Crocs footwear corporate headquarters, where he proceeded to “posterize” the entire staff — working his way up from the temps to the Board of Directors. Realizing their folly, the board agreed to give him a check for 205 Million, just for being LeBron James.

• LeBron still won’t advertise their shoes, but he did let them sell the posters; which, as it turns out, is a lot more lucrative than selling shitty plastic shoes. He’s stern, but fair.