Name: John McCain

Birthday: August 29, 1936

Hometown: Coco Solo Naval Air Station, Panama Canal Zone

Hates: AZNs ^_^.

Loves: A good fight.

• If John McCain’s right pocket always looks a lot fuller than the left, it’s because he always fills his right pocket with gravel and broken glass. At a moment’s notice, the first sum’bitch to look at McCain funny is getting an eyeful of that shit, a split second before John kicks him in the groin and throws him through a plate glass window.

• At McCain’s most recent press conference, he revealed to Tom Brokaw that he’s been carrying around the watch of his best friend in a very uncomfortable place, ever since “Charlie got us.” He’s hoping that guy’s grandson shows up soon, so he can finally deliver the heirloom to its rightful owner.

• John McCain thinks the idea of being President of the United States is “pretty okay,” but it’s really just the silver medal compared to the title he really wanted: John McCain - Ultimate Fighting Champion.

• He’s jealous of the “Obama Girls,” wishing that he could have his own group of “McCain girls;” a group of women slightly younger than he is, who all romanticize the notion of voting for the Republican candidate. Unbeknownst to Senator McCain, there already exists such a group: Bea Arthur, Betty White, Rue McClanahan and Estelle Getty.

• He doesn’t particularly hate gays, but he also doesn’t particularly hate hunting them for sport. Also, Asians.