Name: Jake Gyllenhaal

Birthday: December 19, 1980

Hometown: Los Angeles, California

AKA: Tom Hanks

Blackheads: 1,698 (and they’re not on his face!)

• The straight male celebrity in him runs to keep in shape, for the ladies; the “down low” in him performs rigorous dances to keep up his stamina, for the gentlemen. Naked dances.

• He loves to wear sleeveless tank tops, to show off the biceps he works so hard for. Also, he has a propensity for yeast infections on his armpits.

• One time, he took a shower in his sister’s apartment and used her soap.

• Maggie Gyllenhaal now also has a propensity for yeast infections.

• He owes her big time. Like, he has to do her chores for 30 years kinda big. (Jerk!)