Name: Gwyneth Paltrow

Birthday: September 27, 1972

Hometown: Los Angeles, California

Favorite fruit: Kumquat

Longs for: A genuine Luther Burger

• Maintains the story that she keeps in shape with a combination of yoga and pilates. But in reality? She only buys food she hates and only endorses organic and raw foods. So she wouldn’t want to eat. She lost all her baby weight by choking down a small apple every day.

• Wants to live in the Congo. Who would care about that uppity Angelina Jolie, if little Gwynnie is in the Congo with Apple fighting for those poor children. But Chris Martin absolutely refused. The children over there are so much stronger than him.

• Learned to play the drums to drown out the sound of apples crying.

• Hates manufactured food. That’s why she only shops in the most exclusive markets. The ones where you water and harvest the food yourself. The owner of the market was so gracious. He even let her add the manure and said, “You’ve paid for my children’s college education AND my retirement. You can use this land however you want!”

• She spends ¾ of her free time at the Silver Spoon + Idiot Farms…