Name: Beyonce

Birthday: September 4, 1981

Hometown: Houston, Texas

Favorite song: Flo Rida’s Low.

Loves: Drenching her hair in fish oil.

• Feels she needs more “hip movement”, so she ordered special hip pads made of jelly. They add more jiggle… She doesn’t plan on wearing them on her next tour, because “y’all ain’t ready” for that jelly.

• Fancies herself the next Halle Berry. She takes acting lessons all the time with the best coaches. Now all she has to work on is her Oscar material… Is Billy Bob Thornton available?

• Billy Bob forwards his home phone calls to his cell phone just for this kind of situation. He is always available. O_O

• According to Billy Bob Thornton’s spokesman, he’ll do a movie with Beyonce, but warns her of the physical toll the performance may take. According to Thornton’s people, “[Knowles] won’t shit right for a week.”

• Once used her weave to save fiance Shawn “Jay - Z” Carter’s life. While yachting in the Turks and Caicos Islands, Jay - Z fell off the starboard size while doing a Natalie Wood impression. Unable to find a life preserver in time, Beyonce simply removed her elaborate hairpiece, fashioned it into a lasso, and pulled her man out of the water, saving him from a school of vicious killer whales. It was an act of unbeweaveable heroism.